Sunday, April 2, 2017

What The F*ck Is This Sh*t? Justice League Trailer

Welcome to #ApocalypticApril! The aim is to cover movies that either have an apocalyptic element or take place after it. I had a class on this, "Post-apocalyptic Science Fiction", and although it was over three years ago, it is still one of my favorites to recall of the many free credits I did. I planned this month for a while now and decided that this is the year for it! Hope you enjoy!

To start off with I want to start with a review of the trailer of this shit-fest BECAUSE I believe that after the apocalypse we will only have terrible movies like this one as they just never fade away for some reason... no matter how much you want them to... Two things will happen if you watch this trailer:
1) if you don't know the comic background you might think it is cool.
2) if you know the background, you can hear the Marvel Cinematic Universe burst into laughter, and just laugh, and laugh... as you cry.

Get ready for spoilers, because I just don't care about sugarcoating anything anymore at this point. First of all, again, you have a probably beautiful movie that they decided to just flood with this blue color that makes EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER LOOK THE SAME. Why?! Why this blue? Even if you shot your movie in Detroit again, you can't tell me that that is a natural filter! I want colors! That is another reason these movies are so f*cking depressing... There is no difference between the beginning, the initial conflict, the solution and the end of the movie. All the work people put into the background of each scene is just spit on with this gloomy color of SHIT!

You know I'd like to say that I let it go. That is doesn't bother me that neither Barry Allen (Flash) nor Aquaman have their signature blond hair. But I didn't. It f*cking drives me insane. Speaking of Aquaman, he is a funny character compared to Batman's gloomy self. That is the point of every f*cking story! Every hero is much more chippier and happier than the Bat! That's what I love about his relationship with Superman (something that adheres to his friendship when they are just Clark and Bruce as well); that is what kept me going back for more and more stories. And what did you have in this trailer? He seems to be the comic relief character! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Admittedly, he is not that depressed idiot that Nolan made him out to be (okay, let's not start with that other pile of garbage, you can read my review here), but he is never - compared to others - the funny character! Especially not in a franchise that has already made him into a killer bat (I mean that in both senses!). So no, I didn't like anything about Aquaman.
Then you have Wonder Woman, who... oh god... someone save Wonder Woman please... I just love her, I love Gal Gadot, she is a fucking inspiration and I still have hope for her character and her movie, but here... it's like... she's the captain of a ship that is sinking soooo fast and being who she is, she will not leave. But she should. Like yesterday. There is this one scene where she stands in front of two guys, ready to go into battle... and sooo original DC, where have I seen that already? Oh yeah. It was in BvS, the same f*cking scene. I hope they also say a joke in the background just to make sure that zero creativity went into it. Because god knows, BvS was such a gooood movie! Let's imitate it everywhere!

Watch the trailer again. I dare you. Count how many different characters you find. Spoiler, if you went above 20, then you have a shitty movie. The reason for that is that I could see all the stories that they are trying to mash together again. In BvS you had four basic stories and had a hundred more in the background. All from different writers, all came out in different years and represent different times of the relationship between Batman and Superman. "Oh, people might know this, let's put it together", and I shit you not, that is exactly what is going to happen here. Did you see Barry visiting his dad in prison? People might know it because of the TV series, let's include a f*cking Flash origin story because we didn't make one BEFORE the Justice Leauge and remember kids, you are stupid. That is right DC fans, you are all stupid and you need Mr Movie Writer to explain to you how superheroes work! And did you spot the ReverseFlash in the trailer? Because I did. It made me upset. It upset me because he should NOT be in a movie where the Justice League is so clearly getting ready to fight evil Superman. A secondary villain to ONE of the characters of the JLA should be f*cking nowhere near this story UNLESS he/she is the main villain. And I can tell you in advance, they are not. And they cast an African-American actress as his love interest... it baffles me how they decided to stay separate from the TV shows and yet they are continuously ripping them off! Spot the war scene, the random lady, the prison scene, attack on Atlantis apparently (not IN Atlantis of course, nobody wants to see that... that might look good! Hush-hush fan, you are stupid!), Commissioner Gordon's mustache being so big that it almost touches the MCU, and Cyborg flying around, I guess, did he do anything in this trailer?

"Hey Timmy, do you know who Cyborg is?"
"Excellent, we'll put him in the movie."
"But... what about Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Red Tornado or--"
"CYBORG IT IS. EVERYONE WILL LOVE HIS CGI FACE. God knows, we don't have a perfectly able make up department that can make it look just as good! Half of his face has to be 3 inches shorter too to make sure the viewer founds nothing pleasing about looking at him!" (Here is how unimportant he is: he is not among the top 15 actors listed on imdb...)

The Justice League of America is not recruited... the Justice League gets together because of a forced situation that requires the help of everyone. The reason there is a problem with their dynamic is exactly that these people do not work together. They are NOT equals, they are NOT friends to begin with and are certainly not a vanity project for Batman. Batman knows all of them because that is what he does, that is his job, he has information and clues and everything he needs before he shakes hands with someone. He does NOT get those informations from Lex Luthor...

The reason I am reviewing the trailer is that I just refuuuuuse to see this movie. I will not pay a single cent because I am tired. Just scrap it and let it go. Watch the TV shows instead! They are brilliant!

I love DC. Funnily enough, I always loved their heroes a lot more than the Marvel one and what the movies are doing is just excruciatingly painful... They are destroying everything I love and I just... it baffles me how they can do that! I am done. Done with this. Leave me alone and long live CW shows because they are true to the characters I love so much! They do not think that I, the fan, am stupid and it is a wonderful feeling! F*ck you DC movie universe.

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